


Nothing

by UnmaskedTomatoes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Jean's POV, M/M, afterlife stuff, i don't know how to tag things, jeanmarco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-06
Packaged: 2018-01-18 09:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1422736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnmaskedTomatoes/pseuds/UnmaskedTomatoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the hardest fucking part- feeling helpless as your comrades are dying, and your comrades are screaming because your comrades are dying- it hurts me physically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one go. It took about 2 hours with very few breaks in between, and considering I barely thought out what was gonna happen I say it went well!  
> Let me know what you guys think. I know it probably gets sort of unstable at the end but I'm gonna be honest and say this is some of my best work.  
> Hope you like it!
> 
> Edit: //casually changes the summary because that was a lame part to choose for the summary whooooops

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck, shit, fu-UCK!"

I didn't care what was coming out of my mouth at this point- I was terrified. I was doing horribly. Oh god, oh god, mixed with thousands of profanities were the only things running through my head at this point and I couldn't even think straight- shit Armin, that was a close one.

I felt another one from not too far away. Its footsteps make the rooftop underneath my boots rumble with every giant step, and right away I can tell it's an aberrant.

For now though, I focus on the one that's swinging at me and catching my legs with every wrong move I make, and hell, I'm surprised I'm alive. I've always been surprised that I'm alive, ever since Trost 6 years ago. Ever since I lost Marco. _We_ lost Marco.

Don't let him overrun your thoughts I remind myself, making a last-second dodge as the titan lunges at me. I lose my footing as the building crumbles, but I barely manage to catch on to what's left of it. Armin shouts something and I can hear Sasha scream- but it sounded so distant through my heart pounding frantically in my ears.

I should be used to this, but I'm not. I'm not ever used to it, the fear of titans. I welcomed death every second, it came with being a soldier- but the fear was always there, and it would never go away. Every second I spend staring at one of those things makes my chest swell with fear. It's been easier to face them as time goes on, mostly from experience, at least there's that.

But the titans got better too. How, I have no fucking clue- and it makes everything that much worse. Even the best of us are wiped out because the titans have gotten smarter and smarter just as we did. I want to have faith in humanity, what's left of it anyways. Honestly, I do, but it's so, fucking, hard when-

"Shit-" I hiss as I'm knocked back from the sheer force of the oncoming aberrant's bellyflop. I end up tripping over loose tile, and I'm on my ass right next to something sticky and with such a foul stench- I don't want to look. Someone's screaming behind me.

I have to turn to run though, so I brace myself for whoever's face I have to see matted in blood. That part never ever got better, even over time, and I'm momentarily paralyzed to see Connie wide eyed and shaking, screaming- he's not dead yet, but he's going to be soon. I try to not think about it. Block out the thoughts.

I give him the best apologetic look I can muster without staring for too long as I dodge another swing from the titan. I know Connie's been knocked off of the roof but I don't want to look. I can't look, I fucking can't. Jesus Christ, this is hard. This is the hardest fucking part- feeling helpless as your comrades are dying, and your comrades are screaming because your comrades are dying- it hurts me physically.

But I couldn't let it weigh me down- not now. I'm so close to dying, I think one more wrong move could end up costing me my life. I need to focus on dodging for now, there's no way I can get behind it safely until the others take care of the titan behind it.

It's a game of cat and mouse at this point. I'm just running away, tripping, mostly, and distracting the thing so the operation will succeed. When they say the district is overrun with titans, they mean it.

I keep tripping. I know I'm shaky from seeing Connie die- but not as freaked out or shaky as I should be. I don't think it really hit me yet, what with all of the adrenaline. But I need it to stay that way for now.

I dodge again, and, seeing as I ran out of building to run on, I quickly swing over to the closest building. The dumb fuck is still after me, and I think at this point I might be able to safely get around it. Not yet though, I won't risk it.

It's dodge, trip, get up, repeat. All I can hear is my heart and Armin yelling out orders, but even they're hard to hear. If he ends up ordering me to do something I'll be screwed, because I'm not even paying attention to him. I'm just focused on this titan's ugly-ass mug, focused on dodging his weird, crooked fingers, and, shit, I ran out of building.

I go to swing on to the next one, but as soon as I set out a wire a body flies into it. I curse loud enough to drown out any sounds and I'm panicking so much my fingers are pressing nothing as I'm desperately trying too hook onto something else. I hit the ground eventually, with a dull thud, and I hook on to the closest building immediately afterwards.

I can feel the bellyflopping aberrant do a flop somewhere way too close. I swing up to the dark red tiles of the roof and try to catch my footing as quick as possible.

It was a terrible spot to land, and it was a terrible spot to stop moving at. I can't see or hear Armin, or anyone for that matter. Just that stupid titan that I've been dodging for the past few minutes.

I should have kept moving, but I was too wobbly to move, in fear I'd fall again. My leg is fucked up from being grabbed, smashing into rooftops, and from the fall to the ground, but I don't let it stop me.

I need to get closer to Armin, was the first thing I thought. And since it was just that titan and I on this roof, maybe I could kill it. With that second thought in mind, I quickly turn to swing onto another roof, to get behind it.

The titan goes to turn around so it can follow me again, but I act fast. I hook to its shoulders and swoop in for the kill, but suddenly I'm stopped, suspended in the air.

What...?

I'm caught.

I don't have much time to react, since it doesn't process yet. My wires are trying to pull me to the titan, that's turned around and coming for me at this point, but I'm being held by my torso, just, suspended.

They're looking at me.

But not for long, is the first thing I think of. I'm being lifted. My wires snap as I'm being lifted, up, up-

My throat is so dry I can't scream. My eyes are so wide they're just about stuck open. I'm paralyzed, I can't do a thing- and no one is seeing anything. Or- no. No, that's definitely the sound of wires. I hear someone scream my name but- they'll save me?

Just as I hear the wires get close enough I can hear them through my racing mind, I hear the loudest crunch I have ever had the pleasure hearing in my life- my, my legs, I can't feel my legs... The titan ate my legs, and I'm dropping.... I can't... Red. Blood. I can't see anything else but my own blood and black, I can't hear a thing, not even my heart. My mind is blank but racing with thoughts all at the same time, and it hurts but... I'm numb.

And... I black out. That was it. All I see is black, and nothing else. I don't even see black, I see, nothing. I don't know how to describe nothing other than black, but not black. It's, nothing. Nothing.

Can I move?

I try to move something, my arm... No, I'm stuck.

It feels like I'm free and floating, but I'm locked down. But at the same time, it's nothing.

I'm surprised to hear just the faintest of knocking. Just, knocking. Like knuckles slowly knocking on hollow wood. And that's about it, really. And after a while I thought it wouldn't stop. I mean, it was soothing in its own way, but it eventually got annoying. And just when I started to think that, I heard faint screaming instead. No. Not screaming, it's my name. Armin. He's shaky, he's saying my name-

It cuts off. There's nothing again.

There's nothing for a long, long time. I don't feel anything see anything hear anything- nothing, nothing.

But then suddenly, I see a wall. Am I alive? Am I back to the living?

I can feel my heart race, but I can't hear it, and I try to get up, but. I can't.

And then I hear it, the sobbing.

I try to look towards it, but I can only move my eyes.

He's... I haven't ever... He's...?

For once, my mind is actually blank. I'm even void of his name. I can't remember it. I can, but it doesn't come to me. I'm so in shock. I can't- I feel like puking, and I swear I was going to, but nothing came. Can I talk? Can I move my- my jaw barely works. I try moving it, I try to say something, and it's so croaky I barely recognize it as my own. I don't even think it was my own, because I didn't even think of anything to say.

"Marco-"

It hurts to talk, but, it doesn't. Can I try and move my limbs again? Barely. I start with my arms, but even though it becomes easier and easier to move it's hard to keep going- because he keeps crying.

I hear a shuffle, and he moves to crouch in front of me. He's weirdly translucent. He looks solid, but, not.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so sorry Jean I-"

He keeps repeating himself. Am I seeing things? I manage to get my arm free and the first thing I manage to do is touch his face. It's cold... And I'm tempted to pull back. I don't. Instead, I work on my other arm, still touching him. He has his face buried in his hands now, still apologizing. For what? I decided to talk when I could get free.

But was it really him?

It doesn't matter. I haven't seen hallucinations of Marco in forever.

Marco. Marco. That was his name. Marco.

I keep repeating it in my head, and I get my other arm free. It's easier to push myself out with the support of something behind me, sort of squishy, but eventually I peel my entire body out.

Of what?

I don't know yet, and I didn't look. I didn't want to. What if he disappears?

"Marco-" I croak again, and he looks at me with wet eyes. I'm still touching him, and he remains solid. He comes in closer to me, a hand resting on my shoulder, seemingly almost experimental. He sniffles and sniffles and puts his other hand on my shoulder after he wipes his tears away with it.

"Marco," I repeat, just, looking at him. I was so confused- I was dead, right? But, I was where I had died. I see a titan out of the corner of my eye too, what the hell's going on?

I don't know what to do but look at Marco and give him time to compose himself.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I tried to help, Jean, I'm sorry."

"What," I start, taking a minute to swallow something thick in my throat. "What the hell happened."

Marco glances behind me briefly, and I take that as a cue to turn around- I almost gag.

I see myself. Lifeless. I'm so pale. Half of my body is gone, and there's blood spilling out of where my hips used to be. I can feel my heart start racing again- and my stomach flops- or am I imagining it?

I'm dead.

I'm definitely dead.

I want to look away but, it's almost unbelievable. I can only stare. My head is smashed against the wall, leaving a nice splotch of blood there, my neck is oddly crooked, and my body is twisted in such a weird way- one of my arms is broken.

"Armin tried to save you," I heard Marco say, and I turn back to him. "He was so determined, I even tried too. But..."

He looks down to his lap, guilt written across his face. I don't know what to say, even when he looks back up at me, trying to read my expression like he always does. I don't feel anything. I can feel something in my chest tighten, but that's it.

His hands leave my shoulders to wipe off his face, and he leans back on his heels, looking off to the side. I should say something.

"So I'm dead, then." Nice one, I mentally smack myself. He looks at me, upset, and nods. I nod back.

"Do you... want me to explain what's-"

"Yes," I cut him off, and then shift into a more comfortable position. He inhales deeply and situates himself before starting.

"Well... You- you died. Armin almost saved you... if only I had... I could have done something..."

"What do you mean?"

"Ghosts can affect the world of the living. Not dramatically, but we can nudge objects and things. If we're powerful spirits, we can influence someone's soul to like... protect them."

"Alright. So, you couldn't save me?"

He shook his head.

"I tried. I somehow stalled the titans, but Armin wasn't quick enough... He was only a second away. I'm sorry... I'm sorry-"

"Don't be sorry for not being able to save me," I grumbled. I forgot how much I missed him. I fucking missed this kid, so much. I missed him. I missed Marco.

I felt my lip trembling, but I bit it back and let him go on.

"So... you didn't die right away, um... You fell, and for a while you were just... Screaming. After Armin killed one of the titans and someone else had killed the other, he went right to you. He... he thought you were going to make it..." His voice was beginning to waver, and I couldn't help but lean forward and rest my forehead on his shoulder. He paused and hugged me tight- I could hear him sniffle again.

"All of a sudden you... Stopped. And Armin- he wanted to stay with you but, he had to retreat..."

I nodded against his shoulder.

"I'm dead," I said, mostly to myself, and sighed against his clothing. He didn't continue, and I was fine with it. I had witnessed the rest myself, at least.

A thought came rushing to me and I jerked up.

"Connie?"

He smiled, a bit sadly.

"I-I knew it would be a while before your ghost self would wake up, so... I went and found him, and helped him. He's following Sasha around right now."

I nodded.

"...Fuck," I hissed, feeling my lip tremble again as I looked at him. He still looked 16 like when he had died. I was so old compared to him. I voiced this after a moment of thought, and he smiled weakly.

"I've aged, but my appearance didn't change or anything. I'm sure it has to do with the fact I'm not living but," he chuckled, "I'm definitely of age."

I frowned and he only smiled.

I missed him.

My lip was still trembling. I was gonna cry eventually, and I knew it, but I still held it in.

I looked down and heaved a sigh.

"This is it then."

He took a while to respond. "...Yeah."

"What now? Is there like... An afterlife?"

He nodded. "Everyone else went to the other side. Franz, Mina, Thomas..."

"Why'd you stay?"

I had a feeling I knew the answer, but I asked anyways. And he took a long time to answer so he could hold back a sob.

"You."

I nodded, already expecting it.

"I wanted to watch you grow up like I could if I was alive," he continued, softly. "But now we're here..."

I sighed again, long and loud. I went back to resting on his shoulder, still trying not to cry. He hugged me tight and sniffled every now and then. I'm sure I had tons more questions but I wasn't about to ask them all yet. I don't think I can even remember them.

We stayed there for a while. We heard titans moving around, but they weren't a threat to us. Even though we knew they couldn't see us and wouldn't attack us, they still scared us.

A team went back to collect the bodies. When they came to take mine, Marco stood up, and he looked rather defensive. Over my body? That mangled thing?

I fucked him up pretty badly these past 6 years.

Even after they left and he was crying and I was crying and we were hugging, we stood there. There wasn't anything left to do, really.

But cross over into the light, or whatever.

I didn't want to. I know there was no return and Connie would be left here without Marco as his guide and I actually wanted to talk to him really badly- but there was nothing left. Marco only stayed to help me and be with me, and he had no reason to stay here. I had no reason to stay.

I asked Marco about Connie, and he said that it would be best to leave him be. We'll see him when he crosses over, I suppose.

It was hard to find the light. Not even Marco could find it right away, it didn't just appear when we were ready. We had to do something. What? I don't know. It took a long time. A long time of crying and hugging, and a huge, huge breakdown on my part. And crying.

We were sitting up against a building inside wall Sina. We had ended up wandering there, seeing quite a few other ghosts who weren't so well off. We were just sitting there, watching people pass, not having to worry about anyone caring if he had my head on my shoulder and my hands were intertwined with his. We stayed in silence for a long while. Not even the ghosts cared that we were even there. Some were more intent on screaming.

I was sort of startled to hear him talk after a while.

"I don't suppose you'd be surprised if I said I loved you?"

I smiled weakly.

"Not at all."

And then boom, just like that. Light. Weird how that works. Marco lit up immediately, scrambling to stand up. He dragged me up with him, and we both took one last look around town before we joined hands tight, and stepped in.


End file.
